Posts

Sonic
Wordy von Writish

10 things wrong with the Sonic trailer

/1 Comment/in , , /by

Can we talk about the Sonic trailer for a moment? You know the one. Where one of our most beloved game characters is brutally butchered into a CG abomination that makes us want to boil out our eyes. Here are ten things wrong with the Sonic trailer. We insist you watch it before reading this list.

Click here for the trailer. Note from author: this blog was written on may 3th 2019. There is a possibility the look of Sonic will have been updated to a less… cringeworthy version by the time you read this.

1 Sonic

There are so many things wrong with the design of this character alone, we could make a Ten things wrong with Sonic list. But we won’t. Just look at it. Look.

We have played the game, of course, we have even watched the cartoon, back in the day. Nothing could prepare us for this kind of misrepresentation. The game character has evolved as the computers progressed, but how someone came to design this version of Sonic is beyond us. Look at his body, his teeth, his fur… Everything is just… wrong! That’s why this is the number one spot. The funny thing is that the internet, led by Xennials and Millenials, sort of imploded after this hyperactive trailer came out and Jeff Fowler replied on Twitter. There might be some improvements on Sonic, but the internet doesn’t forget.

2 Gangsta’s Paradise

Are you kidding us with this song? Coolio’s Gangsta’s Paradise in a Sonic the Hedgehog movie? This song about a guy living in the ghetto is so wrong in a movie about a blue hedgehog, there are no words. This was the theme song for the nineties movie Dangerous Minds, with Michelle Pfeiffer, as you might recall. This 24-year old rap hit just doesn’t fit anywhere in a Sonic movie. When Weird Al Yankovic parodied the song, Coolio was very much not pleased. We don’t know his opinion about the use of the song now, but we raised all of the eyebrows.

3 Jim Carrey

We’re not sure if the batshit crazy (and in our opinion very depressed) JC will either save or wreck this monstrosity, but time will tell. In the trailer his representation of Dr. Robotnik (who should be called Dr. Kintobor before changing into the bad guy, but who’s keen on backstory anyway…) is as obnoxious as only Jim Carrey can play. Imagine the Cable Guy, but without the lisp, merging with Lloyd Christmas doing ‘the most annoying sound in the world’ and you’re kind of there. We are cringing in advance. His initial look is off, but we see the endresult in the very last shot. At least they got the ‘stache right.

4 The slo mo guided missiles scene

At one point in the trailer Dr. Robotnik fires off a buttload of guided missiles towards Sonic. (He has to destroy him, of course. Oh, please tell us how. Dr. Robotnik is probably be the real hero of this movie.) Sonic pulls a move we have seen in multiple movies; looking at his watch first, going überfast to redirect the missiles and saving the day. We saw Hammy doing the exact same thing in Over the Hedge, as well as Quicksilver in X-Men; Days of Future Past. Oh, and Jim Carrey as the Mask when he throws Cameron Diaz in the air. It’s kind of a plot hole as well, because in the first few seconds a cop sees Sonic go 760mph. But sure. Sonic goes faster than the speed of missiles.

5 Failing to hide the creature

The protaginist has to sneak the weird creature in somewhere. Sounds familiar? That’s because it is. Roger Rabbit was sneaked inside a bar trashing around and speaking loudly in the trench coat of detective Eddie Valiant. (A detective is kind of like a cop, right?) And nobody noticed. In the Sonic trailer cop Tom tries to sneak the blue abomination in in a duffel bag. Sonic doesn’t shut up, of course, making it an awkward situation for the poor cop doing his best not to be caught with a wanted creature.

6 James Marsden

Don’t get us wrong, we love James Marsden. We’d eat some rusk with this guy, given the chance. Wether he plays Cyclops in an X-men movie, a handsome writer in 27 dresses or a television host in Hairspray, he’s fine. Marsden is a decent actor and quite a talented singer, did you know? He can pull off a nice Sinatra. But that’s besides the point. To carry this load of crap is just an insult to an actor of his caliber. And he plays a cop. Cliché.

7 The military

There should be a rule number about this. In movies, if there is SOMETHING, the military gets involved. Transformers, a planet with Unobtainium, aliens, it doesn’t matter. And there is always this unremarkable, snarky, bad tempered Major / Colonel / High Ranked guy. In this trailer his name is Bennington and he’s só generic, we kind of fell asleep. Watching Jim Carrey talk over him in a done-to-death underminig way multiple times was just annoying, not funny.

8 Sonic the alien

Sonic: “Basically it looks like I’m gonna have to save your planet.”

So Sonic is an alien in this story? He wasn’t an alien in the original game and other adaptations. He was from Mobius, which was generally earth in the future, so an alternate version of earth, but still earth. Also, he lived with his 5 sisters and mother in Nebraska under a hegde. But now he has to ‘save the planet’. *sigh* This probably explains why the military is involved: aliens.

9 “Meow.”

Oh, come ON. Can we get a good guy and a weird creature meeting without it being this stupid? We’ve seen it, guys. In all the movies. The protagonist meets the weird creature(s), screams or whatever and the creature says something ‘funny’. In this case it’s “Meow.” Ha. Ha. We kind of expexted the voice of Ryan Renolds. Apparently this is a nod to Sonic X, where Chris mistakes Sonic for a cat. In animation people are really really dumb, mistaking BLUE HEDGEHOGS for cats and creepy ass blue aliens for dogs.

10 Portals

In a very short part of the jam packed trailer we see Sonic throw a golden hoop and two people fall through it, like a portal. A closer look reveals that it’s James Marsden and a woman, probably Tika Sumpter. Of course there is a stupid romance sub plot nobody cares about in garbage like this. Portals are a great deus ex machina in movies, to save the heroes in the nick of time from splattering on a sidewalk. Can we get a portal out of this movie?

Hook Liar Liar Jingle All The Way
Wordy von Writish

Comparing Hook, Liar Liar and Jingle All The Way

/0 Comments/in , , /by

We’re going to take a look at nineties legends Hook, Liar Liar and Jingle All The Way today. The nineties were chuckfull of great movies with amazing plottwists (Fight Club), awesome special effects (Titanic) and loving patriotism (Armageddon and basically every movie situated in the US.) The failing dad-trope isn’t limited to the nineties, as we could see in 2012, War of the Worlds and Interstellar, but it is one of the key components in the three movies we’ll be comparing.

Meet the three protagonaist first. In Hook (1991) we have the overweight lawyer Peter Banning, played by Robin Williams. Another lawyer, but a smooth one, is Fletcher Reede in Liar Liar (1997), played by rubberface Jim Carrey. In Jingle All The Way (1996) Arnold Schwarzenegger plays the muscley salesman Howard Langston. [Spoileralert.]

Now let’s take a look at the list of similarities.

1 Annoying sons

The failing dads in all three movies have an annoying little boy to disappoint. The kids are basically interchangeable with their nineties haircuts and whiney voices. We don’t even know their names and we don’t have to, because it doesn’t really matter. The boys have only two traits anyway: they like a certain sport and they love their daddy.

2 Perpetually late

The dads are perpetually late to everything, especially important moments for the boys. Both Banning and Langston think they can make the sportsevent of their sons, even yelling: “I’m gonna make it!” and then arrive when the event is already over. As in: way over. Fletcher has some other things on his mind (and dick) that make him late.

3 Workaholic

The reason these daddies are late all the time is, of course, their job. The workaholic father is a special kind of failing dad. Howard even says “And remember, you’re my number one costumer.” to his wife on the phone. The positive part is that the fathers are rolling in dough, which makes their quests a lot easier.

4 The promise

Peter has a catchphrase about The Big Promise (to attend the ballgame): “My word is my bond.” He missed the game, however, and when he actually uses this phrase again, the son answers: “Yeah, junkbond…” In Jingle all the way Howard promises his son to come to the parade: “I’ll be there. I promise.” Even though he eventually shows up as a part of the parade, he still breaks his original promise. Fletcher promises son Max that they can go play catch, which never happens, and he promises his ex-wife that he’ll pick up the boy, but he fails. Even when he makes ‘the mother of all promises’, he messes up.

5 Generic mothers

The mothers in all three movies are pretty, brownhaired and generic. Boring, basically. They only display one charactertrait: disappointment in the dad. None of the mothers explain what ‘workaholic’ means, though, nor do they seem to make a lot of effort to get through to the fathers. But they love their kids and that’s the most important.

6 Other fatherfigure who doesn’t mess up

In all three movies there is a substitute fatherfigure who doesn’t mess up like the biological one does. In Liar Liar the mom has a new boyfriend who’s actually a nice guy. He tries to bond with his girlfriend’s son and wants what’s best for both of them. Captain Hook, played by Dustin Hoffman, tries to win over the son just to fuck with Peter Pan, and he almost succeeds. Howard’s divorced neighbour does his best to seduce the mom and he maintains the façade of the perfect single dad. The other mothers in the street practically drool over him all the time. His son even mentions to his friend that maybe his parents should get divorced as well.

7 The gift

The boys all get a gift from their fathers. Fletcher doesn’t know what’s in the gift, because his secretary bought the ‘baseballstuff’, but Puddingbowl Haircutboy loves it. Peter gives his pocketwatch to son Jack, which functions as a kind of McGuffin in Hook. The biggest McGuffin is of course the Turboman action figure Howard keeps trying to get his hands on during Jingle All The Way. When tiny Anakin eventually gets the doll, he gives it away… because ‘he already has the real one at home.’ Really? A boy who gives away a special edition action figure? *sigh*

8 Antagonist

The antagonist in Liar Liar is probably Fletcher himself, but his bitchy boss fits the bill as well. We don’t even have to explain the bad guy in Hook, but in Jingle All The Way Howard meets a mailman he keeps bumping into. This guy is also looking for the Turboman action figure and they keep battling for the toy until the bad guy goes to jail.

9 Flying

Howard and Peter’s flying is pretty literal in Hook and Jingle All The Way. Peter Pan manages to fly eventually because he finds his ‘happy thought’ and Howard gets to don the Turboman suit with jetpack. Fletcher does a bit of flying when his stolen cart crashes at the airport.

10 Bonding

After all the danger and drama has passed, all fathers bond with their sons, bettering themselves and changing their ways. Or so we’re to believe. Banning overcomes his fear of flying and open windows, while Reede finally realises he shouldn’t take his son for granted and Langston admits he’d been neglecting his son and wife. “But noe moah!” They all live happily ever after.

Read about surprising voice-actors here.