Can we talk about the Sonic trailer for a moment? You know the one. Where one of our most beloved game characters is brutally butchered into a CG abomination that makes us want to boil out our eyes. Here are ten things wrong with the Sonic trailer. We insist you watch it before reading this list.
Click here for the trailer. Note from author: this blog was written on may 3th 2019. There is a possibility the look of Sonic will have been updated to a less… cringeworthy version by the time you read this.
There are so many things wrong with the design of this character alone, we could make a Ten things wrong with Sonic list. But we won’t. Just look at it. Look.
We have played the game, of course, we have even watched the cartoon, back in the day. Nothing could prepare us for this kind of misrepresentation. The game character has evolved as the computers progressed, but how someone came to design this version of Sonic is beyond us. Look at his body, his teeth, his fur… Everything is just… wrong! That’s why this is the number one spot. The funny thing is that the internet, led by Xennials and Millenials, sort of imploded after this hyperactive trailer came out and Jeff Fowler replied on Twitter. There might be some improvements on Sonic, but the internet doesn’t forget.
2 Gangsta’s Paradise
Are you kidding us with this song? Coolio’s Gangsta’s Paradise in a Sonic the Hedgehog movie? This song about a guy living in the ghetto is so wrong in a movie about a blue hedgehog, there are no words. This was the theme song for the nineties movie Dangerous Minds, with Michelle Pfeiffer, as you might recall. This 24-year old rap hit just doesn’t fit anywhere in a Sonic movie. When Weird Al Yankovic parodied the song, Coolio was very much not pleased. We don’t know his opinion about the use of the song now, but we raised all of the eyebrows.
3 Jim Carrey
We’re not sure if the batshit crazy (and in our opinion very depressed) JC will either save or wreck this monstrosity, but time will tell. In the trailer his representation of Dr. Robotnik (who should be called Dr. Kintobor before changing into the bad guy, but who’s keen on backstory anyway…) is as obnoxious as only Jim Carrey can play. Imagine the Cable Guy, but without the lisp, merging with Lloyd Christmas doing ‘the most annoying sound in the world’ and you’re kind of there. We are cringing in advance. His initial look is off, but we see the endresult in the very last shot. At least they got the ‘stache right.
4 The slo mo guided missiles scene
At one point in the trailer Dr. Robotnik fires off a buttload of guided missiles towards Sonic. (He has to destroy him, of course. Oh, please tell us how. Dr. Robotnik is probably be the real hero of this movie.) Sonic pulls a move we have seen in multiple movies; looking at his watch first, going überfast to redirect the missiles and saving the day. We saw Hammy doing the exact same thing in Over the Hedge, as well as Quicksilver in X-Men; Days of Future Past. Oh, and Jim Carrey as the Mask when he throws Cameron Diaz in the air. It’s kind of a plot hole as well, because in the first few seconds a cop sees Sonic go 760mph. But sure. Sonic goes faster than the speed of missiles.
5 Failing to hide the creature
The protaginist has to sneak the weird creature in somewhere. Sounds familiar? That’s because it is. Roger Rabbit was sneaked inside a bar trashing around and speaking loudly in the trench coat of detective Eddie Valiant. (A detective is kind of like a cop, right?) And nobody noticed. In the Sonic trailer cop Tom tries to sneak the blue abomination in in a duffel bag. Sonic doesn’t shut up, of course, making it an awkward situation for the poor cop doing his best not to be caught with a wanted creature.
6 James Marsden
Don’t get us wrong, we love James Marsden. We’d eat some rusk with this guy, given the chance. Wether he plays Cyclops in an X-men movie, a handsome writer in 27 dresses or a television host in Hairspray, he’s fine. Marsden is a decent actor and quite a talented singer, did you know? He can pull off a nice Sinatra. But that’s besides the point. To carry this load of crap is just an insult to an actor of his caliber. And he plays a cop. Cliché.
7 The military
There should be a rule number about this. In movies, if there is SOMETHING, the military gets involved. Transformers, a planet with Unobtainium, aliens, it doesn’t matter. And there is always this unremarkable, snarky, bad tempered Major / Colonel / High Ranked guy. In this trailer his name is Bennington and he’s só generic, we kind of fell asleep. Watching Jim Carrey talk over him in a done-to-death underminig way multiple times was just annoying, not funny.
8 Sonic the alien
Sonic: “Basically it looks like I’m gonna have to save your planet.”
So Sonic is an alien in this story? He wasn’t an alien in the original game and other adaptations. He was from Mobius, which was generally earth in the future, so an alternate version of earth, but still earth. Also, he lived with his 5 sisters and mother in Nebraska under a hegde. But now he has to ‘save the planet’. *sigh* This probably explains why the military is involved: aliens.
Oh, come ON. Can we get a good guy and a weird creature meeting without it being this stupid? We’ve seen it, guys. In all the movies. The protagonist meets the weird creature(s), screams or whatever and the creature says something ‘funny’. In this case it’s “Meow.” Ha. Ha. We kind of expexted the voice of Ryan Renolds. Apparently this is a nod to Sonic X, where Chris mistakes Sonic for a cat. In animation people are really really dumb, mistaking BLUE HEDGEHOGS for cats and creepy ass blue aliens for dogs.
In a very short part of the jam packed trailer we see Sonic throw a golden hoop and two people fall through it, like a portal. A closer look reveals that it’s James Marsden and a woman, probably Tika Sumpter. Of course there is a stupid romance sub plot nobody cares about in garbage like this. Portals are a great deus ex machina in movies, to save the heroes in the nick of time from splattering on a sidewalk. Can we get a portal out of this movie?